the beast

it has been about 9 months since i've had sex.  until two weeks ago. he loved and left me like lightening.  it sucks to be rejected but mostly it sucks cuz he woke up the beast.  now i am looking at everyone. lusting after the dads in my schools, looking for rings on their fingers.  five years ago no one rejected me. now i am not so confident. i am older and rounder. i feel a lil directionless. i am not sure where i am going. i don't have a goal. i am floating. not sure if i like floating. being sick doesn't help either cuz i feel useless. i don't know what i want and i keep trying to figure it out. i would love to have someone in my life to spend time with, go on trips with, and to feed the beast.  but that is not something i have control over. i went to school for 7 years to get myself to the place i am professionally. i was in control of my destiny. but i cannot make a man appear and love me. so i have to find something else to make myself feel good. i need a purpose.  the thought of school doesn't entice me, but maybe it would fill my time up. i could continue my anthro pursuits. nothing sounds good. traveling the world with a wad of cash in my pocket sounds nice. i must make a commitment to myself to actively look for purpose. i cannot wilt away as i wait for prince charming to appear. i have to take matters into my own hands and once again be in control of my destiny.

orgasms

i think i have damaged myself with  the vibrator.  i cannot have the orgasms with a man that i can give myself.  and i can give myself twenty in a row. one after another.  in a matter of minutes. maybe seconds.  is it bad that the best orgasms i ever have are with myself and a plastic vibrator? i wish i could have that same sensation when a man is inside me.  but the vibrator always seems to get int he way.  i remember a few times men have done it to me but it requires a high skill level on their part and not just getting into my body but getting into my mind. when i was about 25 i slept with this guy. he had a finger in my ass, one in my vagina, and another on m clit. it was one of the most intense orgasms a man has ever given me. i cant rememberr his name but i will never forget that orgasm.  funny, i felt dirty afterwards and never saw him again. but yet to this day i think about that experience.  i also remember when a girl went down on me and i thought i was going to projectile cum.  that hasn't happened in quite a few years :(

6

this is my first fall back in the midwest, single.  i was never single really in the west.  pure sunshine and i was with the rain cloud.  bummer. what it would have been like if i was really single?

i have given up on capital letters on this blog. i discovered they really get in the way of getting the flow of my thoughts out. 

that was some seriously good sex the other night. and haven't had good sex for a long time so it only had to be  little good to hook me.  i want to fuck him more, but is he a boyfriend?

i feel for yahaira.  i know exactly where she she is.  another summer down. one year older. things dying around us in nature. this is the time for introspection, not january 1st. 

i love this dog.  i know andre doesn't love her but i think they are getting along a lil better. it helps me alot to have the dog.  i hope andre knows that i love him first and best but he's gotta share.  if i could just get the fucker to stop peeing on the bed we could all cuddle up there.

WIA - weed induced anxiety