the beast

it has been about 9 months since i've had sex.  until two weeks ago. he loved and left me like lightening.  it sucks to be rejected but mostly it sucks cuz he woke up the beast.  now i am looking at everyone. lusting after the dads in my schools, looking for rings on their fingers.  five years ago no one rejected me. now i am not so confident. i am older and rounder. i feel a lil directionless. i am not sure where i am going. i don't have a goal. i am floating. not sure if i like floating. being sick doesn't help either cuz i feel useless. i don't know what i want and i keep trying to figure it out. i would love to have someone in my life to spend time with, go on trips with, and to feed the beast.  but that is not something i have control over. i went to school for 7 years to get myself to the place i am professionally. i was in control of my destiny. but i cannot make a man appear and love me. so i have to find something else to make myself feel good. i need a purpose.  the thought of school doesn't entice me, but maybe it would fill my time up. i could continue my anthro pursuits. nothing sounds good. traveling the world with a wad of cash in my pocket sounds nice. i must make a commitment to myself to actively look for purpose. i cannot wilt away as i wait for prince charming to appear. i have to take matters into my own hands and once again be in control of my destiny.

orgasms

i think i have damaged myself with  the vibrator.  i cannot have the orgasms with a man that i can give myself.  and i can give myself twenty in a row. one after another.  in a matter of minutes. maybe seconds.  is it bad that the best orgasms i ever have are with myself and a plastic vibrator? i wish i could have that same sensation when a man is inside me.  but the vibrator always seems to get int he way.  i remember a few times men have done it to me but it requires a high skill level on their part and not just getting into my body but getting into my mind. when i was about 25 i slept with this guy. he had a finger in my ass, one in my vagina, and another on m clit. it was one of the most intense orgasms a man has ever given me. i cant rememberr his name but i will never forget that orgasm.  funny, i felt dirty afterwards and never saw him again. but yet to this day i think about that experience.  i also remember when a girl went down on me and i thought i was going to projectile cum.  that hasn't happened in quite a few years :(

6

this is my first fall back in the midwest, single.  i was never single really in the west.  pure sunshine and i was with the rain cloud.  bummer. what it would have been like if i was really single?

i have given up on capital letters on this blog. i discovered they really get in the way of getting the flow of my thoughts out. 

that was some seriously good sex the other night. and haven't had good sex for a long time so it only had to be  little good to hook me.  i want to fuck him more, but is he a boyfriend?

i feel for yahaira.  i know exactly where she she is.  another summer down. one year older. things dying around us in nature. this is the time for introspection, not january 1st. 

i love this dog.  i know andre doesn't love her but i think they are getting along a lil better. it helps me alot to have the dog.  i hope andre knows that i love him first and best but he's gotta share.  if i could just get the fucker to stop peeing on the bed we could all cuddle up there.

WIA - weed induced anxiety

lovemy

I would like to be one of those people who go out all weekend.  Who socialize alot.  Even living on Columbia I had nights where I wanted something to do but I didn't have anything.  Like I am always wanting more places to go. I gotta figure out how to meet people.  Could I take Darla over to Rons? That is so scary.  Why is it so scary to walk over to a bar?  I like my walks.  That is a good part of the doggie.  What do I do with her if I go abroad.  That used to be my dream b4 X.  n mom said she wouldn't talk andre. she sure as hell aint takin darla.  i like milwaukee. it sucks that he is here. all my ex's in fort wayne i have little to no emotional attachment to.  x was my first emotional attachment.  mario a lil but not lik x.  i will look to tefl certificates and abroad options. that could be something good to take from mke.  im sure l dog would help me finance.  breezey too if i keep up the cold war.  she has taught me that when i get too close to her she will annoy the shit outta me.  so i pull back and she wonders where i went.  how did i come out of her?  the connection to my mother  is much stronger than the connection to my father.  is that wrong to say?  i love my dad because he's cool but my connection to my mother is more cosmic.  she could have had a boy, or another girl for that matter.  but that perfect connection of that particular sperm and that particular egg and the right moment when that egg (me) was there.  how craze that in a split second, some other sperm could have fertilized my egg and i would have been someone else.  that egg was going to be the one, but the sperm could have been one in a million. 

4

I remember thinking that consuming, overwhelming, and devouring love existed.  I am not sure right now.  It exists in the movies and in Aventura songs but does it exist in real life?  Is it possible to have a healthy, stable, overwhelming, and devouring love?  I love my pets.  I love my mom.  I love helping people reach their goals.  I love the feeling of dancing on a crowded dance floor with 100 sweaty people living in the same moment to the same beat.  There was a time when devouring love was the only love I thought existed.  When I thought men manipulated you or devoured you.  When the longing was so great that his fingertips on my stomach would bring me to orgasm in a matter of seconds.  Then the man who once devoured me sat across the living room aimlessly staring at the TV and thinking of his life without me.  Now I wonder if devouring love is real or just a coping mechanism for those without impulse control. 

Unexpected emotions

On Friday I got a dog.  It is something I have wanted to do for a long time but felt to transient to get one.  I have an 11 year old cat that I adore.  I was concerned if they would get along.  So far so good. 

Something happened that I was totally unprepared for.  I have been missing my ex like crazy.  We have been apart for almost 4 months after 3 years of being together.  Why did this dog suddenly make me miss him so much?  Is it because we wanted to get a dog together? 

I have been thinking alot about the good times we had at the beginning.  It was a very emotional break up.  He broke it off with me saying he couldn't be in a relationship until he worked his emotional issues out.  I felt rejected.  I look back and think about all the things I could have done differently.  Could I have changed things?  Probably not.  The problems were not all me.  They were the both of us. He made mistakes and so did I. 

I called him yesterday to tell him about the new dog.  He told me his dad had fallen and hurt himself.  I called his dad to see if he would like to me bring the new dog over to meet his dog.  We talked for a bit and decided he needed to get a little better first.  I hung up the phone and cried.  I don't know why.  I thought I was totally over this guy.  I haven't had amorous feelings for him for some time how.  But suddenly, there I was, balling all over again. 

I decided a long time ago that I did not want kids.  Instead I want a man and a house full of pets.  I thought he was the one.  I think at one point he did too.  Talking with his dad made me realize how lonely I am.  I have gone on dates but mostly with guys I know are bad for me.  I was hoping this little pooch would help me not fall into my old destructive behaviors I did before I was in the relationship with my ex.  Drinking too much, sleeping with players, going out until all hours on the weekends, playing with men's emotions to make myself feel in control.  That was a major factor in getting this pooch was to try and keep myself in check .  Can't stay out all night because I have a furry friend at home waiting to go outside and pee.  It has had a very different effect though.  As I type this, my eyes are misty and want to call my ex and tell him how much I miss him.  But I doubt he wants me back and I will only be met with more rejection.  Fuck.  I have to go get a towel.  I can't blink the tears back anymore.

2

What I know about myself

I need alot of alone time. It is how I recharge. I need to be totally silent and mentally checked out from other people.  Too much of this time is no bueno as well.  Too much time and I think more than I live.  Finding that balance is hard.  Not going too much to one side or the other is a tight rope walk.  There is a need inside of me to connect with the public.  They help build my energy up.  When I gave my public speaking training last week I was super amped up when I got done.  I could have kept of going.  But all that interaction simultaneously drains me.  I also get this amped up feeling from the club.  Not any club but THE club, which could be any club  (note to self, define the club in later blog).  The club is very self destructive and public speaking is constructive.  Though, too much public speaking I have learned can also be bad.  It is incredibly draining.  I require alot of recharge time.  I am sure we all know that too much of the club is bad too.  And the recharge is not just mental but physical as well.  Being new to a city means that you do not have these outlets readily available to you.  You have to build them.  So you naturally end up with too much alone time.  That is the boat I have been in lately.  I have been positive affirmating my ass off and it is getting better.  So moving to a new place ain't so bad.  Plus I can go out and know I won't see anyone I've fucked.  For a while....
;)

1

It took me a few minutes to set this up.  Its my first time. I had all these great thoughts to write.  After getting this all set up, I can't remember what I was going to blog about.

I have a storage box of journals.  I have never used typing as a primary method of writing.  I stopped writing for a while.  Now that I want to, I don't have a journal.  Lack of funding and laziness have lead to multiple days of needing to write without a page.  I tried writing on loose computer paper but I now I have a kitchen drawer full of messy loose pages.  That could get out of hand.  Hence the blog.