the beast

it has been about 9 months since i've had sex.  until two weeks ago. he loved and left me like lightening.  it sucks to be rejected but mostly it sucks cuz he woke up the beast.  now i am looking at everyone. lusting after the dads in my schools, looking for rings on their fingers.  five years ago no one rejected me. now i am not so confident. i am older and rounder. i feel a lil directionless. i am not sure where i am going. i don't have a goal. i am floating. not sure if i like floating. being sick doesn't help either cuz i feel useless. i don't know what i want and i keep trying to figure it out. i would love to have someone in my life to spend time with, go on trips with, and to feed the beast.  but that is not something i have control over. i went to school for 7 years to get myself to the place i am professionally. i was in control of my destiny. but i cannot make a man appear and love me. so i have to find something else to make myself feel good. i need a purpose.  the thought of school doesn't entice me, but maybe it would fill my time up. i could continue my anthro pursuits. nothing sounds good. traveling the world with a wad of cash in my pocket sounds nice. i must make a commitment to myself to actively look for purpose. i cannot wilt away as i wait for prince charming to appear. i have to take matters into my own hands and once again be in control of my destiny.